I may not have spent A Year In The Merde but a week in Paris was enough to make me chortle and chuckle through this Brysonish book all through last week. I could clearly see the places, almost taste the baguette sandwiches and not help but nostalgically smile at the perfect rendering of French English.
When I landed, I knew you didn’t pronounce consonants at the end of words in French but I still asked for a ticket to Jules Joffrin. “Jules Joffra?” said the lady at the airport counter. My ouis went flying out of the window along with the mercis. “Yes, thank you,” I said meekly. Though later I did confidently use mehsi several times. But that was after I kept asking for Rue Ramey and kept getting blank looks. I was looking for my hotel and finally pulled out the hotel’s letterhead and pointed to the street’s name. “Ah, Hu Hamey,” said the helpful woman who led me to the street and even offered to help with my luggage.
Settled in, I called a friend, who thankfully spoke perfect English. “Allo,” she answered. How quaint, I thought, deciding to say allo from now on. Until at dinner at her place one night she extolled the virtues of toast dripping with ‘onee’. “Onee, you know, how do you say it…” Another friend saw the incomprehension on my face. “Honey,” she said. Ah, the silent H.
Anyway, so here’s a sample from Stephen Clarke’s book:
“If you don’t like Tea Time, how about Tea For Two?”
“Oh no.” This was Stephanie. “Dis is flat also. We want fonny nem. Like Bare-narr say, Ingleesh oomoor.”
“And, er, if we coll eet Tease Café?” Marc said.
“Tease Café?” I was lost again.
“Yuh. Tea, apostrof, s, café,” Marc explained. Stephanie nodded. Good idea.
“Tea’s Café? But that’s not English either.”
“Yes,” Stephanie retorted. “You av many nems with apostrof. Arry’s Bar. Liberty’s Statue.”
“Brooklyn’s Bridge,” Marc said.
“Trafalgar’s Square,” Bernard added.
‘No…”
“Roll’s Royce,” Bernard said, on a roll.
“No!” Where did they get this crap?
“In France this is considered very English.” Jean-Marie was playing interpreter again. “There is an American café on the Champs-Elysees called Sandwich’s Café.”